Career Crashouts: Part One

This week I kick off the conversation regarding a topic that I will continue to crashout over for many episodes to come!

Enjoy:)

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:07

We are so back. We're not actually back in my car, but we are back in the car, which is where this all started. So I'm feeling good. Um, I am sweltering a little bit. It's really hot, and there's no AC, and I can't really roll the windows down because then you're just gonna hear a lot of unnecessary noise. And you're probably gonna shut this off, and then what do we do? Anyways, welcome back to Car Crash Outs. It is Tuesday. No, what day is it? It's Wednesday when I'm recording this. I'm running around um just doing some errands, and I thought, what a perfect opportunity to record a little intro for the episode this week. I'm really stoked about what I'm talking about this week. It's something that I have been wanting to talk about on the pod for a little while. It's a very topical, very much at the forefront of my life, and I think that it's just like a very relatable topic. So I'm stoked. But before that, I want to tell you a little bit about my week and about my weekend and about my day today. So tragedy struck over the weekend, and the little dog that I'm looking after broke one of his legs. He fractured one of his legs, and it was so sad and so traumatic, but he's okay, he's gonna be okay, he's recovering, everything is okay. I feel like I'm parenting a newborn. I don't think I can stress how much brain space this dog is taking up for me right now. The incident occurred Friday night, it's Wednesday, and all that I have thought about from Friday night to present moment is this dog and its well-being. And I love this dog so much. It's not mine. I think I said that. It's not my dog. I'm looking after him. I'm not gonna give out his name on the internet. I'm not gonna dox him like that. I think that he has every right to his privacy. So we're just gonna call him dog. But he is my entire life right now, and it's exhausting. I'm not sleeping. Well, actually, last night was like the first good night of sleep that I've gotten since he hurt himself, but I am sleeping much more poorly than I usually do. I'm stressed all the time. I'm taking him with me everywhere. I've been to a haircut, a hair appointment with him. He sat on my lap the entire time, went over everyone in the salon. I took him to get my nails done yesterday. Same thing, slept on my lap the entire time. Wherever I go, wherever I am, I am carrying him in my right arm. And I think I've done something to my back, if I'm being honest. Which is a little bit sad and maybe a wake-up call that I need to get back in the gym a little bit. Anyways, I will just say walking around with a like a cute little dog, especially a cute little visibly injured dog, because he has a little cast on. First of all, he has a little cast on and it's wrapped in camo. So he's looking actually very cool and very tough, and he's handling it all very well. But yeah, walking around with him, the amount of attention that I get, the amount of people that come up to me, the amount of conversations I have, it's too much for me. It's too much for me. I am just trying to run my errands. I'm just trying to go about my day. And people are coming up to me and petting him and like telling me their life story. They're showing me pictures on their phone of their dogs. They're telling me about how their mom had the same breed of dog when they were growing up. And a woman came up to me yesterday, and she was telling me about how she had three dogs growing up that were the same breed as him, and she told me their names. I can't remember all three names. I do remember one of the names was Hildegard. Yeah. Yeah. Hildegard. And that is just a name that sticks. I forgot the other two. I did not forget that one. Anyways, today, like literally 10 minutes ago, I was in London Drugs, and three people cornered me at once, and they were all talking to me at the same time. And the guy was showing me pictures on his phone of his dog. Different breed, irrelevant, whatever, but he was showing me pictures of his dog. And then the one woman was telling me about how she had a dog where she needed to buy him diapers, and she was like trying to figure out the brand so she could tell me the brand. I don't need to buy diapers for this dog. It's not information I need. She told me they come in multiple colors, which is amazing for whoever is purchasing these dog diapers. It's not me. Either way, that was definitely information she felt that she really needed to share with me. And the conversation went on for a very, very long time. This poor little old woman who I assume the man who came up to me, I think he was her caretaker. She was honestly, she came up to my chin, maybe. And so she was perfect, dog height, because I was holding him in my arms, and he was just licking her face, and she loved it. Like I obviously would have stopped him, but she was really loving it. And I I honestly think this woman was maybe in her late 90s, so they bonded, and that was pretty cute. And then am I out of breath? Oh, I know, because I'm cooking in this metal box with no AC. It's a sauna. I'm sweating, I can't breathe. If I pass away, it's because I was trying to record an episode of car crash. I was, anyways, then I go to the coffee shop down the street and I grab a little matcha, and this woman who literally takes my order every single day and has for months on end, we've never had a conversation. She was like, Can I pet him? She comes up from behind the counter, we have a little chat, she gives waffles a pet, and I told her we'll be back soon, and she says, I can't wait. It's like the cheat code to meeting people, it's the cheat code to building connections. And sometimes those conversations are like too much. Sometimes I don't want to be having them, but it's still so nice to go out into the world, move, move, move, move, move, move, move. Oh my god, this person is taking so long to turn left. What are we doing? Sorry. What was I saying? Oh, sometimes I like, yeah, sometimes that's a little bit overwhelming. I go out and it's like everyone is stopping me and trying to pet him. But also on the flip side, it's so sweet. And it's so nice because it's like sometimes I will have a day where I'm like, I haven't talked to anyone all day. But it's all I have to do is walk outside with this little dog, and suddenly I'm having conversations left and right. It's so sweet. It's like all social rules and norms just go out the window. It's just weird though. I feel like the second somebody starts petting your dog, they really do. It's suddenly like you're in like this tiny little therapy session, and I'm just learning so much about the people of Vancouver. And I'm not mad about it. I'm not mad about it. I'm just wait, am I allowed to go right now? No. I'm confused. Um, no. It's very cute. I'm grateful for it. I drop him off at his owner's place either this evening or tomorrow morning, and I think I'm gonna have some like separation anxiety because we've grown very close over the last it's been like two weeks that I've been watching him, and I think it's gonna be hard to say goodbye. I feel like I need to explain, like, they're his owners and they know what he needs and they love him very much. But I feel like I'm gonna need to explain to them, like, this is exactly the routine that we've created, and I I feel like he can't stray from it. Maybe I should maybe I should like come come up with a logbook so they have all the information. That's what I should have been doing since the injury. I should have been logging every single thing. But it's just like wow, I've never worried so much about like how much a dog is eating, how much a dog is drinking, when is it going to the bathroom, is it in pain, is it anxious? Like, how is how is the dog doing mentally? Like it's a lot. And you know, it's really made me feel like I just don't know that I could ever have my own animal again. I grew up with a lot of animals. Like, I have done the whole pets thing. I had dogs, I had cats, I had birds, I had like budgies, I had chickens, my sister had a rabbit, we rode horses. Like, I have done the whole animal thing. I love animals, but I just think if I were to have my own dog, for instance, my life would be over. I actually think my life would be over. And I heard this woman talking about it on her podcast, Madeline Archie, who you should all go listen to Pretty Lonesome. If you're not already, it's so good. But she was talking about how when she got her dog, she felt like her life was over because she didn't realize what a huge responsibility it is. And I think that people just buy animals pretty flippantly and they don't realize like you are committing your it's not even just your time, it's like your mental and emotional energy to this little animal. Anyways, it's just it feels overwhelming. I think I'm like having a bit of an existential crisis about it. Also, can I just say it's really making me view having children in a whole new light, if I can be so bold. I'm like, wow, yep, this is like just obviously the tip of the iceberg in terms of responsibility. And I don't know if I'm cut out for it at this moment in time, at least, which is fine because I'm not having children right now. Anyways, whatever. Yeah, it's just a lot. I think that it's brought me and my boyfriend closer together because we're essentially parenting this little dog. But it's been a good lesson, honestly, and we're getting through it, and he's gonna be okay. He's recovering, it's all gonna be okay. But yeah, it's been intense. It's been intense. It really does make you rethink like, I'm like, what was my life before all I did was worry about this dog? You know, I don't even remember what it was like. I have no concept. I just know that I eat, sleep, and breathe worrying about this dog right now. So, anyways, um, this actually has nothing to do with what I'm talking about this week, but I just thought I would give you a little recap. Um this week I am going to be talking about I'm gonna be crashing out, if you will, about careers, about figuring out careers in your 20s, uh, where I'm at in terms of my hopes and dreams and goals and aspirations. And we're gonna dive into it. We're gonna dissect it. Maybe we'll figure some stuff out. I hope so. But anyways, I'm gonna get out of this sauna and I'm gonna go inside and we're gonna sit down and we're gonna get into it. I'll talk to you in a sec. Okay, we're back. I'm sitting on the floor in my living room. My little notes for the episode in front of me. I think that I'm having like weird heart palpitations, not heart palpitations, like weird heart flutters, and it's causing me a lot of anxiety. Also not helping is the fact that I've just downed a matcha in probably like five minutes, and I don't know, probably a combination of the caffeine and the fact that I have a pre-existing heart murmur, it's all just really, it's doing something to me, and it's I'm not feeling good about it. I'm feeling a little, I'm feeling stressed. I'm fighting the urge to take myself to the emergency room. Just kidding. Even when I say shit like that, it stresses me out because I feel like I'm speaking things into existence. I'm genuinely going to like speak myself into an anxiety attack right now, though, if I keep talking about this. So we have to move on. I'm fine. Personally, I'm fine. I actually feel like I'm at the perfect level of c hold on one sec. I'm having an issue with this dog. It's just I need to be able to entertain this dog and also podcast at the same time. It's like, where does it end? You know, the multitasking, it's it's out of control. Um, what was I saying? Oh. I personally feel like I am at the perfect level of caffeinated because I'm slightly shaky, buzzing a little bit. Um, just had to call a friend to talk me out of an anxiety attack. And now we're gonna talk about how I don't know what the f I'm doing with my life. What I actually want to talk about is careers in our 20s and figuring out what that means because it's so different for everyone, and I feel like I have a lot to say on this topic, and I'm really excited to get into it. And yeah, I am crashing out about it. I'm always crashing out about it. So it's only right. It's only right to talk about it here on the pod. Okay. Where to start? Essentially, I think that the conversations I've had with friends of mine makes me feel like we're all in this kind of similar boat where it's not that we're unmotivated. We are motivated, but we don't know where to start. And it's kind of paralyzing feeling like there are too many options. It's like the paradox of choice where it's like having too many options actually starts to feel like a bad thing because it is very, very paralyzing. And I think that there's this collective feeling of not feeling like we're doing enough. I don't feel like I'm doing enough. I feel like I'm managing to stay like just busy enough, but it's not, you know, deeply fulfilling. And I'm I'm just talking about like in terms of career, I'm not feeling deeply fulfilled. I have a good job. I I enjoy my job. I actually really like my job and I feel really grateful for it. But I know it's not a forever career. It's not something that I feel like I can really invest time and energy into, and I'm getting like this return out of it, which obviously is difficult because I am willing to work hard for something that I believe in or that I feel a lot of purpose in. And I love that feeling. Obviously, it feels so good to be like putting time and energy into something and seeing results and feeling like you're making a difference. And I do that in small ways in my current job. I think regardless of the job you're in, there are ways to find some purpose in it, and I'm gonna get more into that, but in general, it's not like deeply fulfilling, and I want to find that career that is. It's just I genuinely have no idea where to start. And I look at the time that has passed between graduating high school to now, and I just have this feeling where I'm like, I want a do-over, but with everything that I know right now. 18 to 25 was whiplash. And I just I feel like I had no idea what I wanted, and I had no idea what I was doing coming out of high school, and I decided to take a gap year, which retrospectively, I don't know how I feel about that decision. I think there's a lot of moments where I'm like, where I wish that I had just gone and gotten a degree because I feel like at this point in my life, even if I had gone and gotten a degree, gotten an undergrad, and then been like, uh, I don't know. I don't know what I want to do with this, or maybe this is in an area that I'm actually not interested in, I still feel like I would have, it would have given me more choices at the point where I'm at now. Because I'm like thinking about it now, it's like this is a point in time where I I would have been able to see myself like going back to school, getting a master's in something, zeroing in on what I want to do, but I don't really have that option because I don't have that foundation, I don't have that undergrad. If you can hear like weird sounds from around me, the dog that I'm watching is tearing a toy to shreds beside me, which is actually a great sign because I feel like he his personality is coming back. He's getting some more pep in his step. But oh, he can smell a little treat in my pocket, so he's nuzzling me. Hold on, hold please. Okay, what was I saying? Anyways, I think essentially I was just saying that I think it would have given me more options now. But who's to say? I know a lot of people who went to school and regret it, feel like it was a waste of time, feel like it was a waste of money. I know a lot of people who are insanely grateful that they went to school. I know people who went to school, took a break, and decided to go back to school and like whatever. I know people who've started school in their 40s. Like, it's it's also never too late. So I guess that is something I need to remember. But I just think that I wish I had more choices. But I also feel like those years that I've spent between high school and now, not in school, I have learned well, okay, and to be fair, I have been to school, I just don't have a degree. I have done like a year of schooling, which I will get into, but anyways, I'm like jumping around because I have so much I want to say about this. But essentially, I'll start at the beginning. I'll start at the beginning, which is I have always enjoyed working. Like, I do enjoy having a job, which is kind of crazy. Like, I enjoy it to the point that it can be enjoyed. I like the connections that I find through working. I do like having a routine in some capacity. I have had really cool experiences depending on where I'm working. Um, I like having a sense of control over my life, making money, feeling like I'm working towards something. All of those things, like, those feel good to me. I've always had that work ethic. That's never been a problem. I started working when I was like, you know what? I I would say I started working at 11 because that's when I started babysitting with my twin sister. We would go and we would babysit at 11. First of all, that's insane to me. I don't know if I would let an 11-year-old watch my kid. I don't know if I would do that. But we were like pretty responsible kids, and there was two of us, right? So, anyways, but we would go babysit together and we would be paid 10 bucks an hour, and then we would have to split that. So I was making five bucks an hour watching people's kids like after school and on the weekends and whatever. Um, sometimes I think back on that and I'm like, I was like, I wasn't watching babies at 11, but I I'm sure I was by like 12 or 13, like babies. There, you there's I would never in a million years leave my baby with a 13-year-old. I just don't think I would do that, anyways. And then beyond, but beyond that, even before that, we were like, we were on our lemonade stand grind every single summer and we were making money. Trust and believe we were making money. And here's the trick you don't set a price for your lemonade. Okay, it's by donation. Kids, if you're listening, if you're out there and you're looking for lemonade stand tips and tricks, I'm telling you right now, by donation. Because people feel inclined to pay a lot of money for a cup of roadside lemonade when they feel like they're donating to something to a cause. You know what? Another great idea if you're setting up a lemonade stand, just write on the sign 10% of proceeds go to XYZ charity. Who's gonna enforce it? Who's gonna enforce that? No one. I mean, sure, donate it. But also, if you don't, if it slips your mind, I don't think anyone's gonna blame you for that. Anyways, so we we would do our lemonade stands. I also did this thing quite often where I would bake cookies or I don't know, brownies or some sort of sweet treat, and then I would go door to door in my neighborhood with my sister and we would knock on doors and we would sell the cookies. And you know what? That business was amazing because we had no overhead costs because my mom provided all the ingredients. So we were really making some money this way. And I will be honest with you, I don't know how old I was, but I saved up a good chunk of money and sent myself to horse camp. I had a dream, I had a goal, and I was going to get my ass to horse camp no matter what, and I made it happen. Five dollars an hour babysitting, knocking on people's doors, selling them homemade chocolate chip cookies, babysitting people's devil children. Wait, I already said that. I was babysitting, I was selling chocolate chip cookies, and I was on my lemonade stand grind. And I uh I made a torse camp, you'll be happy to hear. I did make it, and it was genuinely one of the best weeks of my life. Okay, then when I was 16, I started working at like a burger fry stand by the beach. I don't really know why I'm giving you my entire history of like my work life, and maybe I'm gonna stop that right now, but I will just say I've had many, many, many different jobs. I've worked at cafes, I've worked at fry stands, I've worked um in bars, I've worked in restaurants, I have, what else have I done? I've like nanied for people. I don't know. I've been all over the place. Um and I feel like working from a young age and just working in general has been like incredibly valuable in figuring out what I enjoy and what I don't enjoy in a job, what I prioritize and what I don't prioritize. It has allowed me to kind of figure out like certain strengths and weaknesses that I have. I really feel like every job has taught me something about myself or helped me like strengthen a skill or open my eyes to like I've definitely had jobs where maybe I'm not being like treated right or it's not a good situation for me. And just the practice of being able to walk away from something like that is like a very valuable life skill. So like Just things like that, where regardless of the job, regardless of if I was being paid next to nothing or I was being paid well, if I loved the job, if I hated the job, whatever it is, I definitely took something valuable away from each one. And I do think that like if you are in a job right now and you're like, I fucking hate my life, I hate this job, fuck all of these people that I work with, get me out of here. Like, what do I do? The one thing that I would hold on to is that A, whatever situation you're in right now, it's helping you. I mean, it's mindset essentially, and it's your perspective. And you might hate your job right now and you might hate the situation you're in, but flipping it into being like, how is this job helping me to grow into the person that I want to be is so valuable. And I've done that at jobs in the past. I've been like, okay, you know what? I'm working in this cafe right now and we are slammed and there is a line at the door, and people are mad and I'm stressed out. But like, this is teaching me to work well under pressure. This is teaching me how to communicate effectively with a lot of people at once. This is like there are so many things you can take away from these jobs that are going to help you in maybe a more long-term career, in a career that you are passionate about and that you are excited about. And so it's like focusing in on those aspects of the job, I think, is important. And I think that it's not for nothing, is what I'm trying to say. These like odd jobs that you find yourself out, your day job, whatever it is, where you're like, oh my God, I cannot see myself doing this for the rest of my life. Great, you're not going to. You're gonna figure, you're gonna figure something out and you're going to get yourself out of that position and into a much better one, but only if you are willing to let every job that you have be an opportunity for growth. So, anyways, I didn't go to university right out of high school, like I said. I took a gap year. What did I even do in that year? I don't know. I think I went to Australia for four months. It was like very COVID-y times. So it's kind of a blur. I'm not exactly sure what I was doing with myself. I think I was running a lot. I got very into running. Anyways. Yeah, I didn't go to school because I didn't have a clear idea of what I wanted to do. My older sister had taken a gap year. I think I also very much was like following in her footsteps. I think a lot of my friends were taking gap years. It was hard. Sorry, there's some cars going by. It was hard to envision a future. It was hard to envision a career, especially like right in the middle of COVID. It was just like all of these universities were not functioning normally. I didn't see any appeal in going and living like on campus and doing online classes. Like that sounded fucking terrible. I didn't feel like if I had gone to university at that point, I would have gotten the true university experience. So I think I was like, I'll pass. Like, I'm just gonna go to Australia for a bit. After two years, I decided that I did want. Oh, you know what I did? This is what I did. I enrolled in a community support worker, what was it? It was a childhood education and community support worker worker program. Yes, okay. I enrolled in that. I got into that. And then um, I don't know exactly what happened. I think I had a conversation with a friend of mine who was going to hold on. Ho. Um, I enrolled in a childhood education and community support worker program. And I got in and I was excited about that, but I think it was also I was just doing that because I I felt like I needed to do something. And I don't know that I really thought was thinking long term about what I wanted. Ugh, retrospectively, I should maybe I should have just like followed through with that program because surprise I did not follow through with that program. I I don't know what I did. I think I like deferred or something, and I decided instead that I was going to move to Montreal with a couple friends of mine, and I was going to do a um music production and sound engineering program. And that is what I did. So I moved to Montreal and I spent a year in this program because and this is the thing is like I have always been very passionate about music, very passionate about songwriting, very much could see myself working whatever I was doing that I really felt that it was going to involve music in some capacity. Um, because music had always been like my passion. And I was like, you know what, I want to give myself a shot to turn this into a career and monetize this. And I think that is at the end of the day why I decided not to do the community support worker program and instead to do the sound production program. And it's tough because I'm not currently working in the sound engineering field. And so, you know, it's easy to look back at that and be like, oh my God, was that the right choice? If I had done the community sport worker program, would I have followed through with that specific career path? Where would I be now? Like it's really hard to kind of wrap my head around that. But at the end of the day, I do think that I owed it to myself to follow through with this sound engineering program because I think if I hadn't done that, I would always kind of feel this sense of like what if? And I think that that would have been a huge regret of mine. I just I don't want to have any regrets. I also have to like keep in mind that I still have time to do anything and everything that I would like to do. It's just figuring out what the f that is. Anyways, but yeah, I didn't go to like regular university. I deferred the um community support worker program. I went to school for sound engineering, I did an internship for a year at a recording studio. I learned so much about that world and about myself and about the things that I want and the things I don't want and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like it's I'm I'm kind of trying to figure out how much detail I want to go into with all of this because I just have so much to talk about. I'm probably gonna end up splitting this episode into two just because I think otherwise it's gonna be like insanely long. But essentially, I think that in the middle of doing those things, going to school, and then I actually, in between going to school and take and doing this internship, I took a year off, which was like an interesting choice because I think by the time I started the internship, I was like, um, I actually forget everything I learned in school. What I was gonna say is I think that my priorities and what I wanted in life were shifting so dramatically that it was like really hard for everything else to keep up. I think that I went into this, that program, that um sound engineering and music production program, feeling like, you know what? I don't care if I just have to grind 24-7, if I am working nights, if I'm working 12-hour days, um, if I'm making next to nothing, I don't care. As long as I'm doing something I'm passionate about, as long as I'm working in the arts, as long as I'm making music, like nothing else matters to me. And I had always said that growing up, like, I don't care if I am a starving musician, if I'm sleeping on friends' couches, like I don't care. I just want to do the thing that I'm passionate about. And I think that there's like something really sweet about that and really beautiful about that. And I love that that version of me existed, but then I do feel like I went through this crazy transition where I actually realized, like, no, I do care about this thing. I am very passionate about this thing, but I I do want to make my like quality of life a priority. And I have so many other things that I'm passionate about outside of this, outside of music, outside of sound engineering. And I have priorities that this career does not line up with. I don't want to be working weekends and holidays and 10-hour days. Um, I don't know that I like being my own boss. I don't know that I like the idea of like being a freelance sound engineer. I don't like there were so many questions that I had and so many things that I was realizing about that field and what it would look like. And while there was so much that I loved about the like actual work, there was so much that came with it that I just couldn't see working for myself. I like the idea of having my weekends and my holidays off. I like the idea of having of working a fucking eight-hour day and not a 12-hour day. Like it's just, it's a very unique field and the arts are like that. Like they are just kind of unpredictable. You have to love it so much that you're willing to sacrifice all of these other things. And I just realized like I don't know if I do, and I don't know if I'm willing to sacrifice those things, which is okay. That's why I went and did that. And it's okay to change your mind, it's okay to figure those things out as you go. Because if I hadn't gone and done that, I wouldn't know that. And I would have those lingering questions in my head all of the time. So sometimes like the only way through is through. There was so much that I loved about the like actual work. There was so much that came with it that I just couldn't see working for myself. I like the idea of having my weekends and my holidays off. I like the idea of having of working a fucking eight-hour day and not a 12-hour day. Like, it's just, it's a very unique field and the arts are like that. Like they are just kind of unpredictable. You have to love it so much that you're willing to sacrifice all of these other things. And I just realized like I don't know if I do, and I don't know if I'm willing to sacrifice those things, which is okay. That's why I went and did that. And it's okay to change your mind, it's okay to figure those things out as you go, because if I hadn't gone and done that, I wouldn't know that. And I would have those lingering questions in my head all of the time. So sometimes like the only way through is through. Okay, I'm gonna end this episode here, and the next half will be out next Tuesday. I will continue yapping about career chaos crashing out about my career, career crash outs, if you will. Um, I'm actually recording this little outro from a camper van, which is where I'm sleeping for the week because I'm on a family vacation, and this camper van is my bedroom. So we could potentially rename the pod camper van crash outs temporarily, as it does seem apropos. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the episode so far. Next half will be out next week, and thanks so much for listening. Bye.